Trigger (And I Don’t Mean the Horse)

Today was a good day, despite what I’m about to write.

I’ve written about this in various form before, I know, but I’m going to address it head on today.

Triggers.  It can be a word, a phrase, a sentence, a situation.  One moment, everything is fine, the next it’s all just shit. The problem is that it’s all very unpredictable, and I suspect that were my life a simulation, run multiple times, some things which are a trigger when I experience them, wouldn’t always necessarily be so.

It’s not something that I can avoid, because I’m not sure what will be a trigger.  Today, I was flirting with my wife by Facebook messenger (I was flirting, she wasn’t.).  Here’s the thing, I have no self-esteem, so it’s very easy to send me over the edge if it relates to that.  I was flirting, she kept deflecting, and honestly it’s not a big deal, but suddenly it was.  I didn’t want to message any more, I just suddenly hated myself.

It all happens very easily.  It’s part of my personality.  In a little, I’ll have forgotten about it, or at least, my mood will have lightened a little.  Hopefully.  I can never tell. And the thing about my triggers is that, as I said above, it’s not like I can avoid it.  Suddenly, it’s just something, and that’s it.

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