“It’s all shitty”

Today was a good day until it was a bad day.

It really wasn’t all that good of a day to start with.  It had been teetering on the edge the last few days.  I guess today something just pushed me over.

I’ve been working on drawing.  I have a tumblr blog that I post my work.  Not a lot of people look at what I do (I think, there are no statistics for views) but I usually get a few likes, sometimes a reblog or two, especially if it’s some sort of fan art.

Yesterday, I spent close to four hours working on a Doctor Who drawing, and then I posted it…and nothing.  No likes.  No reblogs.  Nothing.  I reblogged it myself.  So far it’s just been my wife that’s liked it. And she only did it after I reblogged it.

I tried drawing something today, but the couple of tries I made, it just wasn’t turning out right, so I just scribbled all over it and posted it with the caption “it’s all shitty”.

I try hard to not let my mental health issues leak over into that area, but I just couldn’t help myself.  I know I’m not good at drawing.  I look at what other people do and my stuff is…ok, I guess.  But I’m ok with it as I’m working on getting better.  But sometimes, I can’t help it.  There’s been nothing with my picture today, not even from my wife.  She said earlier I looked sad, but that was it.

The internet is both a kind and a cruel place.  There are those people out there that are encouraging, and I try to do that with other artists, even ones that I can tell are better than me.  But it’s cruel because I look at what other people do, and what I do, and I wonder why anybody would like what I do and I should probably just stop trying.  And I probably really should.  Just stop.  Stop trying to be good at something and just accept my limitations.  Don’t even think about being good at something, because I’ll never be good at anything.  It’s just hard to stay positive some times.

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3 thoughts on ““It’s all shitty”

  1. I don’t think you should stop trying at all. In fact, the people you are comparing yourself to have probably been at it for years. I follow some pretty amazing artists on social media that show their progression photos and one is amazing now but several years ago a kindergartener drew better (no joke). The tricky thing about comparison is that you hold yourself up to standards without knowing what it took for the other person to achieve it. What if you just compared yourself to where you were before? If you keep trying to get better than you were that’s a fair comparison. The internet is an easy place to get lost in. Don’t worry about the likes and reblogs. If you’ve put your heart into it and it satisfies you, that’s what matters. The likes are superficial and will never give you the satisfaction you look for. Keep drawing because it sounds like you do it because you love it so do it for that. ❤

    1. Thank you for the positive words. And I know you’re right, but sometimes it’s just hard. One of my favorite Simpsons quotes is Lisa saying “Grade me…look at me…evaluate and rank me! Oh, I’m good, good, good, and oh so smart! Grade me!” We all want some sort of approval of what we do, some sort of validation. And yes, the internet can be an awful place for that, but at the same time, not having any validation makes me question myself. It’s a very narrow path to navigate for my mental health.

      1. I know it is. I’d like to encourage you to seek the approval from within. You have to approve, validate, and accept yourself completely otherwise no matter how much others do it, it will never be enough or be quite convincing. Tap into those things that bring you great joy whether you’re “good” at them or not. Do things for the joy they bring you and the way they make you feel. You’ll find yourself likely seeking less validation and just getting caught up in the moment. Then when others acknowledge and provide feedback, it will be a confirmation of what you already knew. Maybe take sure steps before navigating the narrow path. You are more than enough ❤

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