I Love You (I Hate Myself)

Today was a good day.

How things are said is just as important as what things are said.  There’s a joke which illustrates this perfectly.

A math teacher is explaining to her students about positive and negative numbers and what happens when they are multiplied.  “A positive and a positive always make a positive,” she said to her class.  “A negative and a positive always make a negative.  And a negative and a negative always makes a positive.”  One of the students in the back of the class raised his hand and the teacher called on him.  “Yeah, right,” he muttered.

The problem with the written word is that verbal cues are lost, and I hate having to explain jokes, but I will here.  Both “yeah” and “right” are positive words, but said in a specific tone, they come out negatively.

I tell my wife “I love you” a lot.  I don’t necessarily use different tones to convey meaning, although certainly sometimes I do, but quite often when I say it, what I’m saying is, “I love you, but I really hate myself.”

I don’t know if my wife picks up on it, although she certainly understands my mental and emotional state.  Whether or not she understands how damaged I truly am is immaterial, but occasionally I will tell her how much I hate myself.  Even if she doesn’t receive the coded message, it’s still good for me to express to her how much I love her, because I truly would have no idea where I would be now if she wasn’t there.


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