I fucking hate depression

Today is a bad day.

I know I haven’t been writting in my blog a lot, but I’ve been busy between work and holidays and all of that.  I keep meaning to, but usually when I have a thought to write about, I’m nowhere near my computer.

So, here’s the thing about depression that just sucks.  It doesn’t go away, not truly gone, because essentially what it is is the way your brain is wired.  (Full disclosure, this is purely based on my own experiences.  If you have suffered from depression in the past but no longer do in any way, shape, or form, congratulations.)  Therapy and medication can only help you cope with it.

And I fucking hate that.

It’s so very easy to just go right back to having negative thoughts.  I recently heard a psychologist talk about MDD being either in partial remission or full remission, but that’s just so I think the doctor can feel good about themselves.  Having MDD is like being an alcoholic; if you’re an alcoholic, you’re always an alcoholic, even if you never have a drink again.  If you have MDD, you always have MDD, even if you no longer have another episode.

And I fucking hate that.

I have so many triggers, it’s not funny.  Navigating each of those without having a depressive epsiode is hell.  I’m a big Doctor Who fan, and there was a scene last series where there’s a boy standing in the middle of a hand-mine field.  It’s brilliant.  But that’s depression.  Each trigger is a hand sticking up from the ground, waiting to grab you and destroy you.  There is no way out, because it is endless.  Maybe you can get by one, or two, but eventually one will get you.

And I fucking hate that.

I want to not be depressed.  I want to not have triggers that will send me into an episode.  I want things to not bother me the way they do.  I want to feel better and think better about myself.  But I know, it’s just not going to happen because that’s not the person I am, and maybe, it’s just what makes me me.

And I fucking hate that.

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