Today was not a good day.
I don’t usually spend time on this, but a little insight is sometimes useful. Today wasn’t a good day. Yesterday wasn’t a good day either. Uusally, when I go to bed at night, sleep itself will be enough to essentially reset me. But it doesn’t always work. When I went to sleep last night, I was curled up at the very edge of the bed. I do it when it’s been a bad day, not because I don’t love my wife, but I feel like being alone. When I woke this morning, I just wanted to fall back asleep. I did that for a while, before my wife got up, which is a very rare thing for her to do before me, at which point I decided I had to get up too. I didn’t want to. I just wanted to stay in bed and not do a damned thing. That was the sort of day it was.
I’ve mentioned before the TV show “House” where the phrase used very often was “Everybody lies.” This is true. I’ve mentioned before that I will do that too if you ask me how I’m feeling. I will lie to you. I will tell you everything is alright. But if you ask me that, in all likelihood, my response is a lie.
I’m also a fan of Brian Vaughn. He’s a comic book writer most famous for a series called “Y: The Last Man.” He’s currently writing a series, which sadly I’m not keeping up with, called “Saga.” It takes place in an alien world with different creatures and species. One of my favorite characters is a bounty hunter called “The Will.” But it’s not just him. He has a big cat that accompanies him. It’s a lying cat. I won’t go into it all of it here, but essentially, it’s a sentient lie detector. She knows if the person is lying.
Today, my wife asked me if everything was OK. I lied. Of course I did. What else was I going to say? And then she said something to me. It took me about a minute to figure it out, but it was “Liar.” She turned into Lying Cat. I absolutely was, but most times, when she asks me that, and I lie to her, she doesn’t say anything. I’m sure she knows I’m lying because it’s not like I’m not that difficult to read when it comes to things like this. She just never calls me on it.
It’s very hard for me to talk about my emotions, or what I’m feeling, even to her. It’s complicated but I just can’t. She just finally called me on it because when it comes to feelings and emotions and what I think or feel or want, I’m just a big, fucking liar.