No reason

Today was a bad day.

The thing about depression is sometimes you just have a bad day without anything else happening.  Mostly.

I was supposed to have had a trial at 2:30 this afternoon, one which I don’t want to do, I REALLY don’t like my client, and quite honestly, don’t thik there’s much of a case, but I have to do it because my client is a stubborn troll who created the situation in the first place, and doesn’t understand why people don’t help her.  But I had all morning to sit around in my underwear and watch Disney Junior (don’t judge), while I got a few other things done.  Well before noon, my opposing counsel had contacted me because her client was sick.  Yeah! That means no trial if the judge agreed to adjourn it.  (On the other hand, I want this mess over and done with.)  So, I didn’t have to deal with a trial in a horrible case today.  It should have made me feel good.

I also was able to work on and complete the drawing prompt for Inktober.  I’m working ahead, but I still work on something every day.  And the drawing I was working on turned out good, eventually.  And I think this is where it starts to really go down hill for me.  What I was working on was something that I was comfortable drawing (machines), but I kept making minor adjustments to make it look right.  Then I started on a figure, trying to do it in a different style.  I’m not good with people, and what I was doing REALLY didn’t turn out well.  I know what my limitations are when it comes to drawing, but… I’m trying to keep working at things I’m not good at, because I figure the more I try, the better I’ll eventually get.  I think something today just turned that negative experience into something really negative and made it a bad day.

I’ve certainly screwed up drawings of people before.  I’m an idiot, or a glutton for punishment, and I’ve posted a few on imgur where they get ridiculed, and I posted one the other day where I thought it was probably the best one I had done, but there were still problems, and sure enough, it was mocked.  That didn’t affect me as much as today’s where I tried something completely different and it just didn’t work.  I had no expectations of it succeeding, and it didn’t, so why did I feel worse?  This is where depression has no rhyme or reason.  Some days it’s ok, other days it isn’t.  If I had thought one of those two experiences would have made me feel worse, it would have been the other one.  Running later on didn’t help to boost my mental health, either.  Sometimes it’s just the way it is.


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