Today was a good day.
I’m most likely an alcoholic. I’m not looking up the criteria under the DSM-V or what various substance abuse counselors look at in determining whether somebody has an alcohol problem or not.
I like to drink beer. Why? Because it numbs me. When I drink, there’s a certain disconnect that I feel. Nothing feels normal, everything is detached, so it feels, I don’t want to say good, but it feels pleasant. I feel something, even if I feel a certain numbness, it still makes me feel something.
I know I shouldn’t drink as much as I do. Even the amount I drink is somewhat misleading. I don’t drink often, but when I do, I drink a lot. It would not be uncommon for me to have a drink a dinner maybe 2 nights out of the week. But, those nights that I do, I don’t just have one beer. I have quite a few. And I know I’ll regret it later. I’ll not sleep well, I’ll be up early, I maybe will have an upset stomach. But when I’m drinking, I won’t care because it will numb me.
I know it’s not good for me. I’m not an idiot. But at the same time, it makes me, ironically, feel something, even if it’s just a disconnect from everything else.
I have two notes on other things as well. First, I provided my wife with a link to my blog. I don’t want to hide it from her, and I’m proceeding as though she hasn’t read it, because I don’t know whether she has or not, and also, because even if she has, even if she is reading new posts I publish, I need to proceed as though she isn’t. It’s the only way this works.
Secondly, I’m going to discontinue my running blog. It isn’t doing what I thought I could do with it, and I’m not really a serious “runner”, so there’s no sense in continuing it. I still believe in the power of positive exercise, the any exercise is good for you, not only for your body, but also for your brain, but unfortunately, when with other running blogs, I don’t really fit a runner’s category. I have a drawing blog, and maybe someday I will share, but that’s less positive messages and more a way for me to express myself.