Today is a good day.
I am not spontaneous. This may be the understatement of the year. It’s something that I’ve noticed a bit recently, especially in my conversations. I’ll think of something I want to say or ask. I then continually reform the exact wording in my head until I get it the way I want it. As I’m figuring out exactly what I’m going to say, I’ll also be working through the possible responses that I’ll get. Eventually I’ll get to a point where I’m happy with what I’m going to say and have narrowed down the possible response so that I’m comfortable actually saying it.
Part of this is because I’m by myself most of the day, so if I think of something to say or ask I very rarely do it immediately. It has led to me doing it even when I can say something something almost immediately to the thought I’ve had. I want to know all the possible responses before I say something. Even this entry on my blog. I’ve been writing it in my head for almost a week.
It’s good to recognize patterns and habits and try to figure out why we do things certain ways. Most habits are nuetral: we do things because it works, or because of our responsibilities. Think about brushing your teeth, or when you have to set an alarm to get up in the morning. But if we have a habit that becomes detrimental, we need to figure out why we do it, and what can we do it get past it. A lot of the treatment of depression is changing these habits. Of course, the hard part is recognizing that it is something that is affecting us negatively. We might not see it that way. We don’t recognize that the way we do things are hampering us.
Is my non-spontaneity the worst thing? No. There is value in not being spontaneous. It’s only when I become unable to act because of it where it becomes a problem.