This is probably a mistake, I’ll start with that first. It’s been over two years since my last post, not that I had many to start with, but it was March of 2014 that I wrote my last post. When I started writing this blog, I thought it would be a good way for me to deal with my depression. I had been diagnosed with major depression, I don’t know, maybe twelve years ago or so; it’s hard to remember. I went through the medication, the counseling, and then it was done. But depression is not curable. Every day I have to live with it. So, I started this blog as a sort of self-help for me, support for other people with depression, etc. Only it became too fucking depressing, so I stopped. I don’t even know what in particular it was, and I didn’t go back to re-read what I had written, just checked to see when it was.
So, this is probably a mistake, but quite frankly, it’s all I have right now to help me. Why am I writing this again? What’s changed? First off, I’m still married to my wonderful wife, still have two kids, who are now two years older, still an attorney. The positives? I don’t know. I have a family, a house, a good job, and other than my depression and sleep apnea, I’d say I’m pretty healthy.
The negatives? Well, this is where it gets dicey, because I don’t want to sound like an asshole. My wife has had a dream of doing something, and it was something that she had worked at ever since I had met her. Through a complete freak-out by me, I discovered that she is in fact doing what she wanted, maybe not exactly as she envisioned, but she’s really good at it, too. (Which I knew, but I understand, it’s hard sometimes to hear the positives from the people closest to you.) She started it, not wanting to tell me, but after it started going really well for her, she couldn’t figure out how to bring it up. And from what I can tell, ironically, she started about the same time I stopped writing this blog.
So, here I am, completely oblivious to what she was doing, and she’s doing really well, and other people really like what she’s doing… It was quite a shock. I’m so happy and proud for her. I really am. But, I’m jealous, too. Not in a bad way, just that I wish that I did something that people liked or paid attention to, but I don’t.
It’s not something I can really talk to her about, because I don’t want to make her feel bad, or think that she should stop, and I’m trying very hard to be supportive, but most days have become “bad” days for me. I honestly can’t remember my last “good” day. I should probably see a counselor again, but doing that figures into not wanting her to feel bad about what she’s doing. So, I’m supportive of her, and I truly am, but internally, it’s very hard.
I’m going to try this again. Most likely, I will end after doing about another two dozen posts and decide for my mental health I shouldn’t be doing it. But, here goes nothing.