This isn’t going well

I don’t think I’m doing well.

It’s been a while since I posted anything, for a number of different reasons.  First, I’ve just been busy.  Between work, family, and a vacation, I’ve been doing a number of other things.  Sure, I could find time to write something, but I haven’t.  Which brings us to point two, I don’t want to.

It’s been a very difficult time recently.  It’s been up and down, mostly down, because, quite frankly, life is shitty.  I just grind away, away, away doing my job and all that shit, and then dealing with my personal life, and I’m failing to see the upside to any of this.  What’s the point?  I haven’t felt like discussing any of this, because, who the hell really cares?  It’s not like I have anything tragic or awful going on in my life, it’s just nothing special.  Yeah, there are people a lot worse off than me, but I don’t care.

The old zen saying is that a journey begins with a single step.  Or something like that.  I keep picking up my feet and putting them down, just trudging along.  That pretty much sums it up.

On a slightly different thought, I was diagnosed with major depression.  Every now and then, I think the diagnosis is wrong.  I think sometimes it’s bi-polar, except I don’t have manic moods, at least as traditionally defined.  I think for me, a feeling of normalacy, where everything is OK and things are going well, I think that’s my mania.  Because I will swing back and forth between them.  I don’t have gradual changes.  It’s all very sudden.  At a future date I’m going to look at bi-polar.

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