Wondering

Today was bad.  Really bad.

I sometimes wonder what it would feel like.  What is it like when it’s all over?  Is there really anything beyond?  Or is this it?  It’s something you won’t know until the end arrives.

I sometimes wonder what it would feel like.  What would it feel like to drag a sharp blade across your skin?  Or what would it feel like to have a bullet explode inside you?  Or what it would feel like to fall, fall from a great height and smack into the hard ground?

I sometimes wonder what it would feel like.  I don’t feel.  I’m numb.  I don’t feel anything unless it is depression or anguish or worthlessness.

I sometimes wonder what it would feel like.

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One thought on “Wondering

  1. I pray you will get someone to help you through. Do you have close friends or family? You need to go be with someone and tell a person face to face how you are feeling. I can tell you only from a mother’s view who has lost her child to suicide about what it would be like for your parents or loved ones if you were to follow through with your suicidal ideation. It is a hell like no other. I wish every single day that I would die. My existence has been altered forever. Please find a counselor or someone who can oversee your care.

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