Things have been rough as is normal.
The problem with depression is that it paralyzes you. I have a routine. It’s not what you would think of as a routine, because I don’t do things the same time each time in the same way each time. I have a routine of things that I do. Whether it’s cooking, cleaning, reading, or running, I do the same things and I have been. The things that I have added to my repertoire in the ten years can be counted on one hand. I started this blog. I started attending an exercise class last spring at the local Y, and I started running seven years ago. That’s it. That’s the list. Before that it was kids. I’ve been doing the same things over and over and over again and I don’t ever do anything different.
The things I keep intending to do? That could take a while: Learn Japanese. Learn Greek. Learn how to play guitar. Build furniture. Write a novel. Write a non-fiction book. Learn how to bake bread. You get the picture. And quite honestly, that was just about 20 seconds of composing a list without even thinking too hard.
I’m stuck in a rut and have been for a long time. I don’t do well with change. I don’t like the uncertainty. But at the same time, it becomes a source of sadness. If I just chose to apply myself to one thing, what could I do? But I don’t. I sit on my ass day in, day out, not changing, not doing anything. I don’t even have any hobbies any more. I just exist.
Do I? If I think and therefore I am, does the nature of thought determine the nature of my existence? There isn’t much to my thought, as you can see from what I put in this blog, so there isn’t much to my existence. I am contemplative, so maybe that puts me just above the rutting animal, but there isn’t really much to me. I don’t look forward to any thing. I just know that when I close my eyes tonight, I will open them tomorrow morning and it will be another day in which to exist, doing the same things. I don’t do anything, just really the minimum to survive, as though somehow that justifies my continuation. It’s hard for me to argue for me. There is nothing.