I’m Still Here

Today was a good day.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here.  I’ve been super busy with work, family, etc.  It hasn’t been all great, but on the whole, it’s been ok.

I don’t really have anything to talk about now, but just a little shout that I’m still around and I’m doing ok.

I should just shut up

Today is a bad day.

I’m the type of guy that tries not to take everything too seriously.  Even when things are bad, I try to add some levity.  Only, it never goes over well.

My type of humor is more of the observational.  I don’t try to make jokes.  I like puns.  Stupid stuff like that.

But I always just try and lessen the tension.  Only it doesn’t work, and I should really stop, but I can’t.  I can stop for a little bit, but then I forgot I’m not supposed to try to be funny and I say something that I think is mildly humorous, but nobody thinks it’s funny or amusing.

I just need to keep quiet and not say anything. Nobody wants to hear from me any way.

Trigger (And I Don’t Mean the Horse)

Today was a good day, despite what I’m about to write.

I’ve written about this in various form before, I know, but I’m going to address it head on today.

Triggers.  It can be a word, a phrase, a sentence, a situation.  One moment, everything is fine, the next it’s all just shit. The problem is that it’s all very unpredictable, and I suspect that were my life a simulation, run multiple times, some things which are a trigger when I experience them, wouldn’t always necessarily be so.

It’s not something that I can avoid, because I’m not sure what will be a trigger.  Today, I was flirting with my wife by Facebook messenger (I was flirting, she wasn’t.).  Here’s the thing, I have no self-esteem, so it’s very easy to send me over the edge if it relates to that.  I was flirting, she kept deflecting, and honestly it’s not a big deal, but suddenly it was.  I didn’t want to message any more, I just suddenly hated myself.

It all happens very easily.  It’s part of my personality.  In a little, I’ll have forgotten about it, or at least, my mood will have lightened a little.  Hopefully.  I can never tell. And the thing about my triggers is that, as I said above, it’s not like I can avoid it.  Suddenly, it’s just something, and that’s it.

“It’s all shitty”

Today was a good day until it was a bad day.

It really wasn’t all that good of a day to start with.  It had been teetering on the edge the last few days.  I guess today something just pushed me over.

I’ve been working on drawing.  I have a tumblr blog that I post my work.  Not a lot of people look at what I do (I think, there are no statistics for views) but I usually get a few likes, sometimes a reblog or two, especially if it’s some sort of fan art.

Yesterday, I spent close to four hours working on a Doctor Who drawing, and then I posted it…and nothing.  No likes.  No reblogs.  Nothing.  I reblogged it myself.  So far it’s just been my wife that’s liked it. And she only did it after I reblogged it.

I tried drawing something today, but the couple of tries I made, it just wasn’t turning out right, so I just scribbled all over it and posted it with the caption “it’s all shitty”.

I try hard to not let my mental health issues leak over into that area, but I just couldn’t help myself.  I know I’m not good at drawing.  I look at what other people do and my stuff is…ok, I guess.  But I’m ok with it as I’m working on getting better.  But sometimes, I can’t help it.  There’s been nothing with my picture today, not even from my wife.  She said earlier I looked sad, but that was it.

The internet is both a kind and a cruel place.  There are those people out there that are encouraging, and I try to do that with other artists, even ones that I can tell are better than me.  But it’s cruel because I look at what other people do, and what I do, and I wonder why anybody would like what I do and I should probably just stop trying.  And I probably really should.  Just stop.  Stop trying to be good at something and just accept my limitations.  Don’t even think about being good at something, because I’ll never be good at anything.  It’s just hard to stay positive some times.

Today is a day…

Today is a bad day.

All it takes is a word, a phrase, a sentence, and that’s it.  I’m in a bad place.  And it doesn’t even have to be about me, but if it affects me, I just go spiraling.

Today is a day I want to end.

Today is a day that I just want to lie down, go to sleep, and wake up tomorrow, skipping the rest of it.

Today is a day I really don’t like myself at all, not even a little bit.

Today is a day where I question my relationship with everybody else, friends, family, and wonder how little I matter at all.

Today is a day which, like most bad days, starts out with such promise.

Today is a day, where it is clear that I’m hurting, but nobody says anything to comfort me.

Today is a day where I question it all.

Today is a day where I don’t want to do anything, not even things that allegedly make me happy.

Today is a day where I question how useful I am.

Today is a day where I think that everything I do is just shit.

Today is a day where I go through the motions and hope nobody says anything to me.

Today is a day where I retreat in upon myself, which isn’t good for me in the least.

Today is a bad day.

I Love You (I Hate Myself)

Today was a good day.

How things are said is just as important as what things are said.  There’s a joke which illustrates this perfectly.

A math teacher is explaining to her students about positive and negative numbers and what happens when they are multiplied.  “A positive and a positive always make a positive,” she said to her class.  “A negative and a positive always make a negative.  And a negative and a negative always makes a positive.”  One of the students in the back of the class raised his hand and the teacher called on him.  “Yeah, right,” he muttered.

The problem with the written word is that verbal cues are lost, and I hate having to explain jokes, but I will here.  Both “yeah” and “right” are positive words, but said in a specific tone, they come out negatively.

I tell my wife “I love you” a lot.  I don’t necessarily use different tones to convey meaning, although certainly sometimes I do, but quite often when I say it, what I’m saying is, “I love you, but I really hate myself.”

I don’t know if my wife picks up on it, although she certainly understands my mental and emotional state.  Whether or not she understands how damaged I truly am is immaterial, but occasionally I will tell her how much I hate myself.  Even if she doesn’t receive the coded message, it’s still good for me to express to her how much I love her, because I truly would have no idea where I would be now if she wasn’t there.

Happy Christmas

Today was a good day.

I am sure I’ve written about Christmas before, but since it’s my policy not to go back and look at things I have written before, I’m not checking to see what I’ve written.

I like using Happy for two reasons.  One, I can be pretentious and all English, since they use “Happy” instead of “Merry”, which I know isn’t entirely the case, but I like to be different from everybody else that way. Two, I think it’s more apporpriate for me.

I like Christmas, but at the same time I don’t.  I think it’s a wonderful thing, but not how it is.  I’m Christian so of course it’s important from the religious sense.  But, it’s all good to be friendly and kind to your neighbors.  One of the most perfect things to ever be shown on TV is “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”  It’s wonderful.  That’s Christmas.  And it’s also very anti-Christmas at the same time, criticising the crass comercialism.

I think that aspect of Christmas is even worse these days.  Do we need to give people tacky presents of things they don’t need or even want?  I don’t need to get presents: I’m an adult.  I can buy what I want.  I like the idea of somebody thinking of something to give me that I would like, but it doesn’t have to be a big thing.  Small thoughtful gifts are much better than the gobs of money being thrown at the mass variety of disposable goods.