The Lady or the Tiger

I actually hate the short story of the same name.  Always bugged me.  But it is apropos to this.

In addition to having depression, I’m also an introvert.  Is my introversion a result of my depression?  Or do I have depressive behaviors as a result of being an introvert being forced into socializing?

I think, ultimately, being both, it compounds it.  I might be someplace that I no longer wish to be, but I’m unable to leave, spiraling downward into depressive thinking.

It certainly doesn’t help.

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I’m Happy For You…Now Go Away

My wife’s cousin had her first kid.

Another of cousin’s is pregnant with her second.

Another cousin just got engaged.

Baptism.

Baptism.

Wedding.

Familial obligations that I will be required to attend.  I don’t want to go.  It’s not that I don’t have a problem going to these things in the abstract, but in reality I don’t want to go.

My brother, when he got married, asked me to be his best man.  When his first kid was born, asked me to be the godfather.  Coming from a good Irish Catholic family, where we don’t talk to each other, and especailly not about our feelings, I, of course, said “yes” to both.  What else was I going to do?  If I had said “no” then my parents would have been bugging me as to why I didn’t.  And trust me, it’s not worth it.

We almost got out of going to my wife’s cousin’s wedding last year.  We already had tickets to a concert, but my wife ultimately decided that we shouldn’t skip the wedding.  I, of course, was miserable.  I tried to act my best, but I’m not good at hiding my feelings, and she got upset at me.

I’m happy for people in our family.  Just don’t involve me.

I Hate Christmas

I’m no longer going to say whether it was a good or bad day.  I don’t like doing that.  Because a good day can be ruined by one bad thing, and a bad day can have something good, but it still makes me feel shitty.

I’ve probably written this before:  I hate Christmas.  It’s too much pressure.  I want to surprise my wife, but after being together 15 years, you just don’t any more.  But I know she got something as a surprise for me.  So then it’s just too much pressure to go to the store to look for something she might like, but probably won’t.

And then there’s everybody else out, too.  I’m not like my mother-in-law who refuses to go to a store to shop.  I just don’t want it to be busy.  And the fucking fake cheer.  I don’t need it.

The best day is 2 Janaury when everything returns to normal.

Don’t Talk

Today was a good day.

I come from a family where you kept things to yourself.  The idea of expressing opinions is looked down upon.  You do your thing, you keep to yourself, you don’t complain about others.  As a result I’m remarkably tolerant of dealing with people who get overly emotional and easily compartmentalize everything

The down side is that I cannot express myself, especially to my wife.  I keep everything bottled up.  It makes everything very lonely and I end up inside my head way too much.  I want to try and express myself more, but I can’t.  I think I’m forever stuck keeping things to myself.

Lather, rinse, repeat

Today is a bad day.

So, here I am again.  I had stopped writing on this blog for a bit because things were better.  But not any more.

Let’s start with Christmas.  I hate Christmas, the commercialization of it, the pressure of it, everything about it.  I mean, I guess I don’t like any holidays really because they disrupt my routine, but Christmas is more than other holidays.

But it isn’t just because of Christmas.  I’ve not been doing ok for a while now.  Don’t ask me when it started, but it’s been bad for some time.  I just want to curl up in a ball somewhere in a dark place.

I went shopping at a new grocery store today.  I didn’t really want to, but it was packed, and I kept running into people I knew.  I’m not usually one who can’t stand being out of the house, but I didn’t want to go.  I couldn’t even finish all of my shopping there.  I had to get out of the store and out to my car and all I wanted to do was sit in my car and cry.

I don’t really feel like writing anything more right now.

I’m Still Here

Today was a good day.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything here.  I’ve been super busy with work, family, etc.  It hasn’t been all great, but on the whole, it’s been ok.

I don’t really have anything to talk about now, but just a little shout that I’m still around and I’m doing ok.

I should just shut up

Today is a bad day.

I’m the type of guy that tries not to take everything too seriously.  Even when things are bad, I try to add some levity.  Only, it never goes over well.

My type of humor is more of the observational.  I don’t try to make jokes.  I like puns.  Stupid stuff like that.

But I always just try and lessen the tension.  Only it doesn’t work, and I should really stop, but I can’t.  I can stop for a little bit, but then I forgot I’m not supposed to try to be funny and I say something that I think is mildly humorous, but nobody thinks it’s funny or amusing.

I just need to keep quiet and not say anything. Nobody wants to hear from me any way.